We have had a love-hate relationship since my childhood. You love me, while I hate you. I realize now that this has to stop. I have to stop abusing you, hating you, demeaning you. You don’t deserve it and I’m sorry for my choices that have made you the way you are.

I’m responsible for my choices and for changing those choices. My choice to eat fried fast food instead of healthy home cooked meals. My choice to consume cookies, brownies, donuts, and ice cream instead of nourishing fruits and vegetables. My choice not to exercise. My choice to cope with stress and sadness by pushing the feelings down with food instead of dealing with the emotions in a healthy manner. My choice to fill the aching emptiness inside with huge servings of fat and sugar laden comfort food instead of confronting the pain and working through it. And my choice to cover you in fat when I feel exposed; the center of attention, good or bad.

Why do I insist on covering you in the camouflage of fat? I’ve never been sure and honestly, I’ve been afraid to find out why–because what if there isn’t a reason? What if I’m just broken, irreparable?

Somewhere along the way, I became afraid of attention, of getting hurt, of being noticed, of experiencing life in a healthy, fit body free of the limitations and excuses that fat has provided me with for as long as I can remember. Somewhere in my childhood, I turned away from you, all that you do for me and toward food for comfort. All these choices have done is hurt you, and I am sorry for heaping that abuse on you.

It’s not easy, but I’m trying to fix this. I’m afraid to make promises to you; I’ve made them so many times before only to break them. I wouldn’t do that to someone I love and I shouldn’t do it to you, so I won’t make promises except to say I will try to change.

I’ve been making healthy eating choices for 3 days and I haven’t had a diet coke in two. I feel like I’m in a 12 step program, announcing the length of time since my last transgression. Perhaps I am and this letter serves as a part of steps 5, 8 and 9.

I’m trying to stay away from the fried food and refined carbohydrates and sugars, but I’m only human and I have many demons to defeat, so I know I’ll make mistakes. I will do my best not to quit when the fat starts melting away and I begin to feel naked without its protective layers to cover you. I understand now that the reason I have never reached my weight loss and fitness goals has been because every time I began to feel a little proud of you and what we were accomplishing together and we began to reap the rewards of all that effort, I punished you. I gave up on you and covered you back up in the fat that has made me feel both safe and miserable at the same time.

We both deserve better. I’m trying to believe that. I really am.

The hardest part so far is finding the time and motivation to exercise. I know you need it and crave it and I want to give it to you to make up for all the bad things I have done to you. I’m trying, I hope you understand, and maybe you will give me a little more energy in return, huh? I’ve been so very tired lately and I could sure use the boost. Again, I know that’s my fault. I demand so much from you and yet give you so little in return.

I know nothing in this life is easy or free. I know that I have to put work into my relationship with my husband to maintain a healthy marriage, so why would I think I didn’t have to put in as much work if not more to keep you healthy and feeling loved? You are worth just as much time, care, and attention as he and my children are.

Without you, I wouldn’t have any of them.

I’m beginning to examine the demons behind my hatred for you–the ones that go back before my adulthood, and before my teenaged years, to discover why I am determined to destroy you. I’m going to figure out why I hate you so much and try to learn to love you, as you deserve to be loved. Before it’s too late. Oh, please don’t let it be too late. Please say you forgive me and won’t quit on me like I’ve quit on you so many times before.

Sincerely trying to find the love,
Ammie

*The thoughts and ideas within this letter have been marinating for a long while as I try to come to terms with who I am and taking better care of myself inside and out. I was inspired to write it and post it as part of BlogHer’s Body Image “Letter to my body” essay initiative.

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