Pounds LOST last week	0
Pounds left till goal	130
Total pounds lost	40
For the week of Wednesday February 21, 2007

I have not been doing well. I feel like I’m swimming against a current that is too powerful for me to beat. And once again I’m on the brink of drowning.

The PMDD is really getting to me. If you read through the symptoms associated with PMDD, that pretty much describes what I’ve been going through for a long time. Two weeks out of every month I feel completely out of control. My emotions are all over the place and I just can’t cope. Every single time I turn to food. I have such strong cravings for sweets and I don’t understand how I can KNOW that what I’m doing is not going to help me conquer any of the stress or the emotions and yet the cravings are so strong and compelling that I do it anyway.

My pregnancies really effed up my hormones. I would get PMSy each month but never on this level.

I probably should have waited to go back to school. I do better at coping with the hormonal, emotional ups and downs when I don’t have any additional stress on top of me. That’s not to say I don’t experience the same symptoms when I’m not under stress–they just aren’t as debilitating. I guess I was just feeling so great–powerful even–over the progress I was making in changing my life, that I felt I was ready to conquer anything, including going back to graduate school right now, instead of waiting until the kids were all in school everyday like I originally planned.

I have a real knack for getting in over my head.

But on the other hand, I love my time at school. It has felt great to exercise my brain again in this way. And the financial aide has helped us during Snoring Daddy’s transition to working at home and the lag between his article payments.

I have my Gyn appointment coming up in a couple of weeks. I’ve considered postponing it a few months. We don’t have insurance right now and it will cost us close to $300 dollars PLUS any prescriptions he might give me for the PMDD. I just don’t want the Sarefem again. I was on it for a few months a couple of years ago and I did NOT like the side effects. I didn’t care about ANYTHING. But now, I really feel like I need some relief. Those two weeks each month are horrible–and not just for me, for my family too. Maybe if I can get something to take the edge off the emotional roller coaster I’ll be able to get back on track and eat healthier… and feel less like a *crazy person.

*I reserve the right to use the word “crazy” as opposed to “mentally ill,” because I’ve lived with “crazy” a good portion of my life. I know “crazy” intimately. “Crazy” has effed up my life and the lives of those I love in ways that can never be repaired.

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