My husband says that I can quit my job if I drive up to Kansas today to purchase Powerball tickets.
Yes, Oklahoma did just FINALLY get a lottery, however it’s not paying out $340 MILLION in it’s next jackpot. He’s thinking we could give five million to everyone in our families–parents, grandparents, siblings–and we’d still have more than enough to live our lives doing whatever the hell we wanted.
Yeah. That’d be nice wouldn’t it? Meanwhile I guess I’ll get to work.
But first.
An Open Letter to Oklahoma Wildlife:
Please stop trying to commit suicide with our minivan.
Last night as we drove home from Oklahoma City, my children slept peacefully in the back and I had just dozed off beneath the lovely haze that is Percogesic when I was jolted RUDELY awake by the wild swerving of our vehicle as Snoring Daddy, masterfully, avoided hitting you.
I don’t know if you were an overly large doe, self-conscious about her size, tired of being compared to all the supermodel deer in the woods and maybe you were just ready to end it all because you can’t get a handle on your binge eating. I feel your pain sister. Or perhaps you were an emasculated buck who’d lost his antlers in some freak rutting accident.
Regardless of how much I might sympathize with your need to end it all it just doesn’t matter.
Either way, go find a hunter to end your pain and stop targeting innocent families. We could have been hurt yo. Nevermind that the children slept through it all. It scared the crap out of us. Snoring Daddy couldn’t stop reliving it, retelling it over and over how he saved us all and how amazing it was that we didn’t roll or end in the ditch or any number of other things bad and ugly. The man can’t handle that kind of adrenaline, it makes him giddy.
And to the skunk who thought it would be funny to further jangle our already tangled nerves by darting out in front of our wheels, causing Snoring Daddy to once again swerve wildly–you are damn lucky. I told my husband, after that, to stop trying to save the animals. If they want to die by the rubber of our tires. Then so be it.
Respectfully, Sleeping Mommy
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WOW! I take a few days off from reading and all hell breaks loose! Hope you’re feeling better, hope your stress levels go down and happy belated birthday!
If you ever need a (chubby) shoulder to cry on just come on by. *hugs*
“The man can’t handle that kind of adrenaline, it makes him giddy.”
Hahaha! My adrenaline junkie husband ought to come drive down there for a while. Being unable to fly regularly has made all of our lives miserable!
When we lived in England, I killed wildlife with my van on a regular basis. All of the pheasant there are suicidal, I think. And the rods have no shoulders so veering out of the way is quite dangerous!
Glad to see you are getting your sense of humor back, Ammie!
I don’t have enough fingers and toes to count the wildlife my DH has creamed in his big rig! And, I have to hear every detail, all the gross, gory, details. It’s amazing the number of wildlife that are suicidal…hmmmm, wonder if there is prozac available for them….LOL!!!!!
No wildlife in Louisiana…other than lizards and gators. How sad is it that each morning I actually swerve to HIT squirrels?! (ok, so I don’t really swerve, and I’ve never ran over an animal yet…oh crap, I take that back! Karma will get me…what I meant to say was that in an effort to keep my family save and on the road, the thought of hitting suicidal squirrels HAS indeed crossed my mind.)
Hilarious!!!
We have obnoxious deer here, too. They love to dart RIGHT OUT IN FRONT OF YOU, even when you are going 5 miles an hour. They are NOT intelligent creatures!!!
I love the Halloween graphic. It’s awesome.
Hello, Sleeping Mommy.
Oh yes…we have deer here too! and they hide behind trees just waiting for an unsuspecting driver to go by and “bam” jump right out in front. Not to mention the armadillos, squirrels and other criters trying to stop the Burb growth.
You don’t want to hit a skunk. The skunk dies the moment you hit it, the smell lasts forever. Better to drive the van into a tree, jumping out at the last minute. At least the insurance would pay then. I don’t think they would total your van out for skunk smell, but it would be a long time before it would be driveable.
I have hit a frog before, and a chipmunk, but that’s about it.
Scarey huh. We have tons of wildlife around here and it makes for some pretty interesting road trip home to the inlaws in the dark.
Hahaha…great letter to the wildlife. That’s something I have zero experience with here in Los Angeles, but I can picture it!
As for the Powerball…I’ll take 3 tickets, please - it’s my lucky number, as in THREE hundred and 40 million $$$! How long is the drive to Kansas anyway? And is work really more important that a trip that could potentially net you $340 million?!
the squirrels in my neighborhood have just lost it the last week or so, must be the season. we have a lottery here too, not as big as that, i’d have to try and get by on a mere 21 million, i know it would be a struggle…
The Deputy spent his last two bucks on Powerball tickets. I have told him time and time again that no one EVER wins the Powerball in Iowa. I am convinced that the Powerball authorities have a secret file (the trash) where they place all the Iowa entries.
Maybe the doe was on her way to KC to get some tickets and was struck with the reality of the long walk? Who knows…
Well, you know what to do when you get lost in the woods in Oklahoma, don’t you?
….
…
… Follow an armadillo to the nearest road…
Love the new Halloween look!
The thing about those deer….they do more damage to your vehicle sometimes than you do to them. We have a lot around here.
Too funny! I will never forget when my aunt wrecked my grandma’s brand new Acura. This is when they had first come out. It was days old. She was driving in Washington, DC and a deer jumped out in front of her. The insurance totaled a car that was less that a week old. We still laugh about it 15 years later.
Oooh, pretty template. I have added you to my bloglines feed.
Tonight driving home, I nearly hit an elk. It would have been very, very bad.
Hilarious!
Hello from Michele’s. I think I was here the other day, but you had a different theme. Love this one. Too cute. Your post was hilarious! I promise to come back!
Hahahahahaha, I feel that doe’s pain too!
I grazed a bear once on the way home from church, and my kids cried and begged me to go back and see if the bear was ok. Dear Lord. I became convinced the bear had jumped on the roof of my car, and was afraid to let anyone get out of the car when we got home. I pulled into my driveway and beeped the horn till my husband came to the front door. He was not amused when I asked him if there was a BEAR on our car…..
LOL! You’d think that the deer could find a better way to go then in front of your minivan!
Love your Halloween banner.
Oh and I am incredibly sad about the animals. Your poor van too.
The powerball is up so high. Does that mean I have a better chance to win?
Hmmm…how coincidental. Take a look at my latest blog for a little more animal suicide. This time effective.
http://myfourboys.blogspot.com/2005/10/yvonne-1-bear-0.html
That was SO funny to read!!! I saw Yvonne’s yesterday as well… lot’s of animal suicide going on.
You tell ‘em!
Man, that really stinks, but it was incredibly funny to read!
Great post! I live in the mountains, and I totally feel your pain! Thanks for stopping by during Micheles site of the day!
I will never look at roadkill the same way again. LOL It’s a shame. You’d think they’d have some kind of group therapy available.